Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Why's it so crazy? (Sandwiches)

Dear esteemed colleagues and fellows at the UN:

Isn't life crazy when you don't have a good sandwich for a while? I don't know how some people do it. I just don't have the strength to go on without a good sandwich. Had many sandwiches in my life and it's probably why I'm still here. Nothing spells perseverance like chicken cutlet on a wedge, lettuce, tomato, onions, and honey mustard from Rocky's Deli. Even thinking about that sandwich restores me.

Ponder how great an idea the sandwich is. You can throw leftovers in there or craft it with the finest starting ingredients. You can go classic or go exotic and dream big some combination never before ingested.

Tangent alert: one time I went to Firehouse Deli and ordered some regular sandwich, something that would be impossible to mess up and I got peanut butter and jelly with ham and jalapenos on whole wheat? What the holy state of Denmark? I looked at it, contemplated a bite and hurling, but threw it out with the force of Thor's hammer. I probably ordered turkey on rye; obviously to no avail. Did the sandwichmaker hate me? Did they see my face and mistake me for someone who robbed their house years before? I want to know. Even to this day I still have nightmares of the worst sandwich ever imagined. A demonic mind could only create such a monstrosity.

As I was saying, sandwiches are great. People make sandwiches into sexual metaphors which can also be grand. Some people consider the Oreo to be a sandwich. Samantha Hamandbamram thinks a banana split qualifies. Whatever works. The Earl of Sandwich deserves our salute. Good for all three meals and it doesn't have to be bread even. Can be a wrap or cheese between two crackers. It's a house of food. Bread surrounding a taste explosion.

So, there's a reason I don't order whole wheat anymore besides that there are better options. A lot of whole wheat has too strong a taste and an almost sugary tinge to it. And Zeus help you if it has those little crunchy nut seed things, just why? Rule one of sandwich crafting mastery is that the bread should compliment and NEVER overpower the other ingredients. The bread is just there to hold it all together, it's not the main attraction. Sure, I use garlic bread, but that's only when garlic bread actually goes with the sandwich, which is usually always. My point being that a good sandwich has almost invisible bread. The texture shouldn't be more interesting than the texture of what's inside. Don't care if it's a broccoli and cheese on toast or a liverwurst on a roll, the middle is the point of the whole shindig.

Now this is controversial as well, but this applies to bagels. Needs to be more cream cheese than the bagel can handle. Cream cheese should be everywhere. The main flavor needs to be the cheese and whatever was in the cheese, aka chives, onions, garlic, peppers, whathaveyou. Then and only then should I luxuriate in the fullness of the everything bagel. I love everything bagels, but they ain't nothin' without the spread. Toasting it is a quick remedy because it spreads out the cheese for you, but some, and you know who you cretins are, shun such a wondrous practice needlessly. Don't cheat yourselves.

I'm from New York and sandwiches of all types should be big. Bigger than the bread. Oh, and don't try to get neat either. You OCD types know what I mean. Sandwiches should have the ingredients hanging off the edges. I should I know I'll be delighting in more than just bread when I glance at what's on my plate. If the two pieces of bread are touching, just send it back. It's not worth your time.

And what about club sandwiches, you say? That's only permissible when the sandwich would otherwise be too unwieldy. If the concoction will break apart without it, sure, add that third slice. Otherwise, you know how it should be done. I love bread. In fact, one of my favorite meals is just some good French bread with whipped butter. Standards, people! That's all I'm saying. And if you want to live a long, passionate life, eat some sandwiches, champion your favorites, and call it like it is. Life's too short to deny yourself the pleasure of culinary perfection. And trust me, after you treat your friends and enemies to a good platter--geopolitics, religion, and ecological responsibility will just fall right into place. Now that's how you serve peace in the Middle East.

Thank you and bon apetit.

1 comment:

  1. Reading this made me hungry!
    Absolutely hysterical. I actually applauded while reading :D
    Just don't ask me to get back into the kitchen to make you one, eh? :P