Sunday, 16 January 2011

Kleenex Unveils New Facial Tissue/Suicide Parachute Hybrid at Trade Show

Irving, TX--Famed tissue maker Kleenex has announced its new product line, Blowchutes. The device is devised to be activated by the moisture from tears and has a built in accelerometer to detect if the tissue and logically, its user, are falling from great heights.

Maxwell Stevens, head of Product Integration, Synergy, and Synchronicity, spoke at a press conference. "Ever thinking about just ending it all because you had to take out another mortgage and your interminably loud baby won't stop crying and your spouse has taken up antiquing? Well, if you're upset by these tragedies, fear not, because Blowchutes will be there to save your life. Blowchutes are the finest in anti-mucus and anti-defenestration technology. Endorsed by countless otolaryngologists and mental health professionals, our product is already slated to be used in countless hospitals, spas, and financial districts across our nation. They'll be available to the public next month."

Patent on the product's accelerometer is in contention and currently in court from Apple and their upcoming product, the iFall. Apple attorney Ron Kuby had this response. "Apple has a reputation for making easy to use products, what's easier than a self-deploying snot rag that can detect when you're in free fall from an East-side walkup? This was clearly an Apple invention, and we're going to reclaim our damages. Apple will be known as the finest name in suicide prevention, just as we are in many other fields."

Outside the courthouse gather protesters from the Malthusian Enthusiast's club, a group that wishes to stop suicide prevention in our to stem population growth. "We think people should be able to end their lives on a whim. Look, this is important to the planet and to the continual survival of mankind. We're going to run out of food and plastic to make toy representations of food. Think of the children!"

Crowds gathered around proceeded to beat to death the pro-suicide group. No charges have been filed.

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