Thursday, 6 January 2011

Bill, you're no sommelier. But you're willing to learn, right?

Let it breathe, Bill. No, that means leaving the bottle open to the air. The cork seals in the flavor. Smell it while you're waiting for it to mature. No, the cork's not edible. Was it invented in Ireland? I'm not sure. Have you ever had a Bordeaux with Cab Franc like this? No? It's good. Very bold in spots, layered with some musky passion, delighting in its thick and earthy roots. No, I didn't read that on the bottle. I've had this one before, it's definitely a top choice. Will go perfectly with our dinner. Oh, you ran out of steak? I thought you said we'd be having red meat this evening. Beer can chicken? That won't do. I know you probably make it fine. Yes, I like chicken. Look, I'm not slighting your barbecue grilling skills, but that's not the menu you provided me. I suppose the stores are closed at this hour, right? I suppose we'll just have to make do with this. It really is good wine, just not meant to accompany beer can chicken. It's more of a prime rib sort of vintage. Next time I suppose.

Hey, do you have a wine cellar of any sort? Maybe there's something--oh, you do? Alright, I'll see what you have. Are you sure you have a wine cellar? All I see down here are three boxes of Franzia and they're quite dusty. Oh, THIS is what you meant? Right, well it's still red, so there's that part of the problem. Look, don't worry about it. So long as you have some good stemwear.

Where's your cupboard? All I see in here are Snoopy mugs and those sippy cups. Do you even have children? What type of shenanigans are these? What do you mean you bought them just in case? In case one quiet Tuesday morning Sindy pops out a kid unexpectedly? Are you fucking joking? How do you people even live?

Calm down? What do you mean calm down? Okay, okay, it's not that big a deal. Yeah, things are fine, they're cool. We'll be fine. Perhaps some appetizers? Sindy, you don't have to do anything, I'll prepare them. Wait, all you have are Kraft singles and pecan sandies? That won't do! What about water crackers and brie? No? Maybe some pecorino and prosciutto? Damnit, no it's not okay. First my wife leaves me and now this shit? I can't take this anymore. This isn't fine, it isn't ok. No, I won't stop shouting. This deserves shouting. How can you live in such a state of barbarism? Is this Cambodia or is this America? You have some nerve inviting me over and not even preparing. Just because I lost my job and my wife, and she took Puffles, our dog, doesn't mean I'm just some doormat to wipe your immature indiscretions. Oh, what's the use? Take that you stupid family urn.

Hey, I'm sorry, I'll stop crying, I'll clean up your mother's ashes. Let's just drink this Bordeaux even with your stupid chicken. It'll still be good. That's how good this wine is. Get out? Get out of what? Your house? Oh, c'mon I said I was sorry. Is this how you treat all your friends?

Damnit. I was actually starting to get hungry.

No comments:

Post a Comment