Friday, 19 November 2010

Thousands Gather to Celebrate Ascension of Quickbooks to "Fucking Amazing Business Software" Status

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA--Intuit released its newest version of the popular small-business accounting software, Quickbooks, to excited cheers of the crowd on hand welcoming the coming of such a product. The updated software, promising revelatory insight into business trends, addressed the crowd that had been camped overnight in front of the office park.

"My children, my businessmen, lend me your ears. Rejoice under the power that is the Quickbooks!" Thus spake the Quickbooks avatar, "Quiffy." "I will be there for you, embrace you in my numerically analytical arms, and bring you forth to the profitable promised-land, replete with graphs, spreadsheets, and pie charts. Now bow!"

The mob of followers dropped to their knees and sung hymns to the praise of Quickbooks throughout the day's ascension ceremony. The throngs of devotees only dispersed after the customary "bankrupted restaurateur's sacrificial feast" was over.

Wally Burns, a 43 year-old local stationary store owner, commented. "This is the tastiest failed restaurateur they've ever cooked. And it was a beautiful ceremony too. I especially liked the new jewels they put on Quickbooks's improved crown."

Paige Soderling, a 26 year-old confectionary shop owner, who made the pilgrimage from St. Petersburg, Florida was seen genuflecting at the Quickbooks's dais. "It's just so awesome! The answers to all my questions. I finally understand that people between the age of one through ninety-nine like chocolate cake. It's totally improved my business model!"

As thousands of people filed out of the parking lot, they each gave generously to a collection plate, fingering a 'Q' shape across their chests. Mary McFranzy, a former rug-store owner from Tacoma, Washington, elaborated. "We must give of ourselves so that the greater good can be served. These donations help clothe and feed the poor, help sustain green technology and promote world harmony."

Around the parking lot were posters prominently displaying meeting times at areas across the country from which to receive the Quickbooks software. The meetings ranged from "Tuesday at 10am to Sunday at 7am through any time one of our children could give back the appropriate amount of devotion. Donations less than $100 not accepted."

Intuit, nor "Quiffy," the Quickbooks avatar, could be reached for comment.

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