NEW YORK, NY--Hit-machine diva Darby Lovelace began the first day of her class action lawsuit and simultaneous criminal trial for releasing the song "Swaggerlicious." Since its debut at #1 on the top 40 last Tuesday, the nation's productivity has ground to a halt.
Prosecutor Ron Hayworth elaborated. "These are dire times indeed. The safety and continual prosperity of our society can't continue if that catchy tune is allowed to play on the radio. I shudder to think of the song spreading further unchecked."
"Swaggerlicious? My secretary Jennifer just threw up the middle finger at me, told me I didn't have the swag to give orders and continued to dance to the song when I asked her to make a photocopy." Said Office Manager and class-action participant Dave Barry. "Then she put the song on repeat. Look, I'm only immune until this swimmer's ear wears off, then I could turn into one of them. Something has to be done."
New York City's bus system has also been plagued by constant shutoffs due to drivers sauntering off their vehicles searching desperately for hair gel and graphic tees.
The CDC released a report this week recommending quarantine from the dance-hit. Colin Barnes, head of infectious diseases spoke at a press conference yesterday. "The human brain was not meant to feel this much swagger at once, we can't handle it. It's akin to staring at the sun. Prolonged exposure to this song results in 'altered brain chemistry and hormonal imbalance,' 'decreased immune responsiveness,' and 'loss of nervous system control.' The average person can't process the meaning of such swagger, so they vacuously fill the void of explanation with a sub-conscious shock, much like being shot in the kneecap, except you can dance." The national health organization declared it an "infectious and easily communicable disease" and that "vaccinations are being worked on with haste."
With the Federal Trade Commission set to release their report tomorrow, there has been much speculation in the business community as well. "As you can see by the this graph, the NYSE stock index rapidly declined since [the song] debuted on Tuesday, and each day has gotten progressively worse." Spouted Larry Daniels laser pointing to a weekly chart. "Pretty much every sector with the exception of a few chemical stocks have declined and trade volume itself is at an all-time low. Now's the time to start panicking."
However, not all businesses have fallen on swag times. Many clubs in NYC's meatpacking district have extended their clubs to tents in the streets in order to meet demands. "So many fucking people want to dance to this shit, it's redonk." Said Harvey Clarkson, owner of The Beach, a dance club, scratching his bleached goatee. "Gotta give the people what they want. I make sure the DJ plays Lovelace's new song at least six times an hour. Business has never been better."
Ms. Lovelace's laweyer, Karen Ramirez, had this to say about the pending cases to a jury full of bedazzled and blinged-out jurors, their skin red from recent sleeve-tatoos. "My client has done nothing wrong here. She put out a single that people like, and there's nothing illegal about that. And she's got the swag to back it up. This is about free speech. Free speech and the ability to walk with as much swag as you can muster. And don't we all want that? Our nation's future rests in your hands and earbuds."