Monday, 22 November 2010

Local Zero to Hero Story Turns Tragic as Man’s Head Explodes

BALTIMORE, MD—A local high school teacher, David Northwood, died yesterday of a massive head explosion. Emergency services rushed to the scene, his apartment house, and found his brains splattered all over school papers, pornographic VHS, and a comprehensive collection of Gak Weekly. Mr. Northwood, a math teacher at Elwood Memorial High School, had recently been in the news for, to quote Timothy Piatkowski, 16, a student in a previous article, “being really cool one day and letting us out of class early.”

Mr. Northwood, 37 at the age of his death, was subsequently reported to “keep being cool by letting us out early a few more times. Oh, and he brought in his Gak collection too. Really showed us the meaning of perserverence.”

“Mr. Northwood’s life got a lot more interesting after those events,” commented Sarah McGhee, the school’s principal, “he became quite a hit with the students. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, the administration keeps an eye on it. We're shocked by his death and are putting up several D.A.R.E. posters to prevent such tragedies from occurring in the future.”

Following the second incidence of letting his students out of class before the scheduled end time, Mr. Northwood began to receive Facebook friend requests from all his students. So many in fact, that he had to devote hours of his time to accept them, confirm all his photos were cropped correctly, and adjust his profile was just the right amount of revealing. The worrying flurry of stardom resulted in missed episodes of American Idol, his favorite show. Students not even in his class began to send friend requests as well.

Zackary Zatarain, 16, talked passionately about Mr. Northwood. “No, I didn’t have him for math, but I really wish I did. He was so cool. Letting people out of class like that. That takes courage, courage Ms. Fleming doesn’t have. He was my hero. I want to be a rebel just like him when I grow up. Just not bald and paunchy.”

Not only did he receive Facebook requests, but Friendster and MySpace requests as well. Students began to form clubs and even make T-shirts to celebrate Mr. Northwood’s tremendous achievements. Kelly Breezemont, co-founder of the Northwood Red Star club, had this to say in her typed manifesto. “And we shall take the example of the great teacher, our teacher, Mr. Northwood. For he has delivered the weeping proletariat out of the bonds of their oppressors. Those who would keep us until the final punctuating tick of the wall clock. Those who would not give us control of our own time.”

Rock Against the Clock, a benefit concert, was held in honor of Mr. Northwood on Friday, just days before the revered math teacher died of a massive head explosion. All the school’s burgeoning bands played in the auditorium, which was commandeered by the Northwood Red Star Club and La Razón del Tiempo. Bands put on covers of Nirvana and Rage Against the Machine, and even a few original songs. Purple Bean Soup, a three piece troupe, sung loudly and proudly to “Our Savior Northwood for Principal” and had the crowd “really jamming and had their lighters up, ‘cause we don’t care if lighters are banned, right guys!” One on-hand spectator told us.

Mr. Northwood had few friends, but we tracked down one of his confidants, Doris Smith, a bartender at a local watering hole, “Jack’s Funky Breath.” “Yeah, Dave came onto me once or twice, but I just felt bad for him, all he would talk was about was his love of people getting Gak’d at the Kids’ Choice Awards and how lonely he was. But, recently he’d been coming in a lot more worried and stressed than usual. His face was beat red, he talked about how everyone suddenly liked him and he didn’t know why. He felt like an alien on his own planet. You know, like Martians with antennas. Do people still watch TV on antennas?”

From Ms. Smith statements and forensic evidence, investigators have pieced together that the massive head explosion was caused by an intense increase in intracranial and extraattention pressure. “Sometimes a man just can’t take it anymore and this is what happens,” Said Roger Winters, the detective who discovered the fate of Mr. Northwood. “This is just another tragic case of a man who couldn’t handle being in the spotlight.”

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