Thursday, 18 November 2010

Honest sickness

I’ve had flu-like symptoms the past days, don’t know if it’s actually the flu, but hey, sick is sick. Funny though: there's the physical symptoms, but I’ve been enlivened knowing my goals are still there and my ability to pursue them, however clogged by mucus and fever I might sound. When I was depressed, I enjoyed being sick because it was an excuse to do nothing, veg out, and ignore my responsibilities.

I lied to myself and others when I was depressed, wanted to justify my lack of motivation, an excuse. I should have gotten up, made do, not fear that I couldn’t do something, and just try for it. However, the past few days I’ve pushed through. I still wrote, I still adhered to what I’ve realized in the past 2 weeks. But because I was sick and had some nap time and so forth, some feelings came up: anxiety. Sub-consciously I’d been determining my self-worth through how much I produce; this has been going on for a long time, except that when I was depressed I would also consciously think and say things of that ilk as well—that life is all about the work we do. And through that, my self-esteem would bounce up and down; if it’s down, it can get even more down through feeling incapable.

That’s an incomplete thought process and a dangerous cycle. Life is not all about the work we do, it’s about who we are, how much of ourselves we give, how much love we have in our soul. Life is complex. My self-worth can’t be so fragile as to fluctuate hourly with my productivity. It makes no sense to, and it’s not true to the good within me.

Here’s what I’m getting at: each day is different, and each day has questions. J. Michael Straczynski put forth in his show Babylon 5 the idea of 2 essential questions in life. “Who am I?” and “What do I want?” In the show, there is a battle between the ancient devotees of each question, and they oppose each other to duke it out with the rational minds in the universe at stake. However, it becomes clear to those caught in the middle that each question cannot precede the other: they both have to be asked. You can’t know one without the other, and each tells a piece of you. Choosing entirely a morbidly ascetic or hellbendingly desirous life philosophy doesn’t work; there must be balance and understanding of the answer to “Who am I?” and “What do I want?” in each of us.

My epiphany was two-parted in this way, but simple; I am good, and I want to do good. When faced with tackling a part of my psyche that is giving me anxiety, I must first feel the anxiety to understand it, find where it’s coming from, and use logic and the fact that there’s always more to be learned from whatever arises in us; and not to quash it, but to improve my sub-conscious, improve every facet of me. Yes, it’s weird and warped, and a work in progress. But I’m facing all my issues as they come up, head on, and with immediacy.

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